John Karter

people bring needs into their relationships that have not been communicated to the other person. This in turn conjures up unspoken expectations of their partner, and assumptions about the relationship itself and how it is going to be, a situation that provides an instant recipe for conflict

However, when we buy into the widespread idea that harmony and mutual fulfilment happen automatically as a result of meeting the ‘right’ person, an important factor is missed, or dismissed. Meaningful, lasting relationships are incredibly complex, multi-faceted psychological structures that are not built in a day and do not happen purely by accident

Like so many things in life, the index of success in relationships almost invariably correlates with the amount of sustained attention, effort and, occasionally, self-sacrifice that each partner is prepared to bring to it.

Most of us are so focused on what we expect to get, based on romantic ideals, cultural norms and media propaganda, that the qualities, standards, values and emotional input we actually need to be happy and fulfilled within a relationship are ignored

How many of those needs have been met either in full or in part?
• How many of them have not been met at all?
• During the course of the relationship, have you recognized new needs and/or discarded some of the original ones?
• What do you think your partner’s needs were/are? Do you think he/she feels those needs have been met?