The Oberon Book of Comic Monologues for Women

A DIFFICULT YEAR
A woman enters with a pineapple.
Has everyone got a piece of paper!? Yes?! Great! WHOOPPIE! (She does a massive laugh.) Don’t mind me! HAHAH. Oh, God – she’s off on one – what’s she making us do now!? But seriously, has everyone had a look at the pineapple? Said the actress to the bishop?! (Another big laugh!) I’ve drunk on an empty stomach – sorry everyone – what am I like!? (Another laugh.) No, tell me. I want know – what AM I like, hahah! Has everyone had a look at the pineapple?! I won’t ask again and has everyone got a pen?! Ok, Ok, come on you lot – it’s either this or I start singing… (She bursts into over-the-top opera and then laughs again.) HAHAH! I told you! Don’t! Shut up! I’ve had a drop…absolute chaos. Don’t! Right, no, right, we’re all gonna go round one at a time and you’ve gotta write down, listen, we’re gonna write down how many leaves you think are on the pineapple, no, listen, now come on, now…how many leaves are on the pineapple. Then I’ll go away and count them and then whoever’s closest is the winner. Everyone, yeah? WHOOOPIE! Hahaha. And that’s it, that’s the pineapple game! And the winner…what does the winner get … (Sung.) The WINNER TAKES IT ALL. Hahahh! I love musicals! (American agent voice.)… “Kid – you got talent, make sure you don’t waste it”. Hahah. The winner…I haven’t thought what the winner gets! I’ve got a sofa that wants chucking-you can have that…how about an extra portion of trifle and a feel of my arse. HAHAH. Right, COME ON EVERYONE – LET’S PLAY THE PINEAPPLE GAME! WOOOHOOOO! HAHHA, WHY IS MY HAND EMPTY – SOMEONE PASS ME A GLASS – WATCH OUT EVERYONE – …HAHAHA
The laughter slowly dies down and there is for the first time a palpable silence.
The silence is slowly filled with a wimper, an awkward, embarrassed, shameful sob then a couple of big sobs.
Pause.
Oh God I’m so unhappy…
She cries.
She slowly slowly pulls herself together. Her guests look on horrified. She clears her throat and composes herself.
I’m sorry about that everyone. I do apologise. It’s been a bit of a difficult year I’m afraid…
Pause.
Right!
She starts counting the pineapple leaves.
One…two…three…four…five….six….seven… eight…nine…ten…eleven…twelve…thirteen… fourteen…
Come on everyone!